i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
