That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
