This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
