if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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