I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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