My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
