end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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