a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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