his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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