I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
