I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
