Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
