found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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