Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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