sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
