I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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