My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
