I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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