Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
its liver damage thursday
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
