speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
