i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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