Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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