I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
