I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
