I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
