I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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