ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
