Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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