Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
