a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
