If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
