It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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