i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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