I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
