I think I died a long time ago.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
