I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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