she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
