I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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