I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
