i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
