Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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