LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
