when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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