What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
