9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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