if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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