So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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