Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
