I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
