I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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