My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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